blog, life updates

deep in the arena / sept 2019

it’s already been a month since my last conversation with my work best friend Ilya. september was quick yet i learned many key lessons. i am progressing quickly because of the people i’ve met, bootcamp i started, and the experiences i’ve had this month. thus, it is time for another inventory check.

tl;dr headspace: “i am in the game. i built my character. chose my arena. now i am deep in it. past lvl 1: getting used to the flow, the controls. seeing who the key players are. now i am figuring out how to play the game while also building my arsenal of weapons + potions. bring it on.”

taking inventory

love

challenge: learning to be with a partner again

my relationship with my significant other has been unfolding beautifully and organically. our thoughts, actions, and emotions mirror and complement each other in a way that makes things easy. there can be strong enthusiasm and passion, but also a comforting silence when we are together. the support and insight we provide for each other propels our individual goals symbiotically. it still baffles me that this huge shift in my life stemmed from a simple dinner party back in july. i am learning more about various cultures, worldly knowledge, and new ways of thinking by being with him – just what i needed as i was embarking in a new chapter in my career.

career

challenge: learning to balance a day job and a bootcamp that requires 20+ hours a week

my day job has become a back burner initiative as i started my bootcamp. i experimented this month to define the lowest energy output i can give also providing a net positive value. today i found the answer and will start using that as a boundary for how much energy i exert at work. my current job will always be easier than the startup job that started my career. the difficult part is balancing this job amongst my higher priorities, but i believe i am on course towards perfecting this code.

family

challenge: lowering contact frequency while also ensuring that i showed my love

i didn’t get to see my immediate family this month, since Paris, but i’ve kept up with the weekly texts, phone calls, and facetimes. my brothers are growing, and i feel the urge to guide them. however, i’ve taken the backseat approach and wait for them to come to me for help. it’s fascinating to see what conclusions they draw and what experiments they perform as they navigate their worlds.

other family: my cousin Patrick moved up to SF, and i couldn’t be happier. i grew up very closely with Patrick as we went to the same schools, played together, and shared birthday parties. my significant other and i went on a double date with Patrick and his girlfriend Sophia – the first time i’ve brought anyone “home” since Mike. i am so grateful for how well everyone got along. Patrick agreed to have a joint-birthday party like old times. we’ll find out next month how well it turns out.

i’ve also kept up with my cousin Jaime who i used to work with. i love hearing updates on her growing business and baby Mila. next month is also her birthday month (like Patrick and me). time moves quickly when you’re on your grind, but it’s always nice to take a breath and reconnect with the ones who’ve helped you on your journey.

friends

challenge: lowering contact frequency of play while also building / improving quality of relationships

my dream of having a local, solid friend group is coming true. i’ve gotten closer to some people i box with who live very close to me. i spend last sunday night exploring a neighborhood soba spot and brewery with them, then spent the next night eating a home-cooked meal (an eel they caught while fishing!) in a starry-lit backyard. we planned a trip to Half Moon Bay to go poke pulling in November. they’re helping me renovate my backyard for this CRAZY RAGER (just kidding, just a kickback) i am throwing for my birthday.

this birthday party has been a long-lived dream of mine: all my favorite people in one place, people who represent different sides of me / different chapters of my life, all meeting and enjoying each other’s company. i’ve always been hushed about my birthday, but this year i have a place, i have solid friends from all over – why not live it up? i cannot wait.

another friend group i’m getting close with is my significant other’s close friends. i went on a Big Sur camping trip with them: driving along the coast, relaxing at this obscure hot spring at 2 AM, and inebriated around a campfire, eating the blandest meal i have ever eaten. it was SURreal (ah ha ha). they are the ones i mentioned last month – the ones i said would help me level up.

i know who my friends are. opting out social media always emphasizes who i should invest in. i like that i can go super deep with all of my friends, sharing my most personal problems with great ease and trust. many of my friends have helped me scheme which i find incredibly valuable at this stage in my life. i know who my tribe is, and i try to make it as apparent as possible my affections for them.

health

mental health: 

challenge: lowering anxiety / overwhelm / reactiveness

i was definitely tested this month while juggling the demands of a full-time job and bootcamp. i relinquished self-imposed pressure and adopted / experimented with new models of productivity. i am still tweaking this area, but i can confidently say that my mental health has significantly improved this past month.

why? the social media tick has completely left my system, leaving me with more headspace to focus on more valuable ideas. also, i hit my three-plus week mark for my meditation habit. i’ve been on and off with meditation for years – previously having a multi-month habit that later slipped when i ended my Headspace subscription. nonetheless, i am back on it, meditating multiple times a day, and boy does it make a difference. i am sharper. i am calmer. i am happier. i am more proactive versus reactive to my environment. i am juiced to see its compound effect over the next couple of weeks.

physical health:

challenge: getting back into the shape before Paris, maintaining physique and overall health with less commitment and time = basically, more efficiency

this has been put on the backburner, but i still have maintained my shape. i lowered my frequency at the gym from four to a minimum of two. at the beginning of the month, i knew that i had to bring fitness down a few notches as i added more study time. i’m taking it well, but i still am very aware of my muscle loss.

after a long-winded internal debate, i decided to continue my gym pass. 1) boxing will keep my sharp, grounded, and empowered. 2) i realized that the community i’ve built there has a great positive impact on my mental and emotional health. and 3) i realized that fitness, particularly boxing, is a part of my identity. though i am diverting my time more to this bootcamp, i realized that i cannot CANNOT lose my sense of self throughout this process. my things that contribute to my identity is paramount and must continue to be nurtured. i am NOT trying to go insane any time soon.

emotional health: 

challenge: asking for help, managing my emotions independently, acting less impulsively so i can be more mentally focused

i have been training myself to reach out for help more often, as it is a weakness of mine (which stems from my immigrant childhood). most of the times i had a problem i was trying to work out, or there was a concept i couldn’t quite wrap my head around, i asked those around to teach me, brainstorm with me, or share their tips and experiences. examples include: context on cultural differences, optimizing my weekly calendar, renovating my backyard, and strategizing next career moves. i was inspired to adopt this method of sharing brains from my best friend Wally, and it is working wonders. not only does it save me from a preventable failure, but it also strengthens the bonds i have with my friends and family.

experiments conducted this month:

love challenge: learning to have a partner again

  • communicating more frequently and in real time – voicing my thoughts even when they were not finalized / polished and even when i don’t feel like sharing

career challenge: learning to balance a day job and a bootcamp that requires 20+ hours a week

  • energy conservation: finding the sweet spot between lowest viable input and positive net value to conserve energy for bootcamp
  • timing: arriving + leaving work / sleeping + waking up at the same time every day
  • procrastination: time-boxing difficult / less interesting projects, using my calendar religiously

family challenge: lowering contact frequency of play while also building / improving quality of relationships

  • frequently communicating my thinking, challenges, and priorities during check-ins

friends challenge: lowering contact frequency of play while also building / improving quality of relationships

  • respond quicker to text messages
  • organize hangouts right away in the moment so there are less residual thoughts / interactions for planning and so it is based on my timeline
  • saying no explicitly and in the moment
  • being more present / focused on others during hangouts

mental health challenge: lowering anxiety / overwhelm / reactiveness

  • tea as an afternoon pick-me-up / stress reliever instead of coffee
  • headspace meditation habit: at least once a day
  • acting less from a need to explain myself and feel understood, focusing more on fueling the idea that only those who matter will try to understand you
  • bravery practice: focusing more on sharing unfinished thoughts in real time

physical health challenge: getting back into the shape before Paris, maintaining physique and overall health with less commitment and time

  • de-prioritizing gym from my top three priorities which deflated the pressure i placed on myself
  • eating high-nutrient food less frequently, in smaller quantities
  • cooking from a cookbook and using grocery shopping as a reward to keep myself motivated to fill my body with the right energy

emotional challenge: asking for help, managing my emotions independently, acting less impulsively so i can be more mentally focused

  • asking for help as often as possible
  • being more expressive of my woes with trusted souls
  • meditation helps with impulse and emotional control
  • integrating a consistent “save for later” list for thoughts, links, media

conclusion

i am more efficient and realistic with managing time and responsibilities. i am more action-oriented as it also saves time. i manage my thoughts and emotions more effectively because of my improved habits around sleep, meditation, and food/media consumption.

overall, i am much more balanced, thus my capacity for workload volume and complexity has improve. perfect as it is on track for my vision for myself at the end of 2019.

next steps

more disciplined studying hours, deep work, and timeboxing

last quarter. let’s kick it in.

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blog, personal development

leveling up / jul 2019

the feeling of leveling up is a surreal experience. it happens when many facets of your life are going well simultaneously, better than you had imagined. you may have stumbled onto a situation that led to other positive downstream effects. you may be in situations thinking “This is too good to be true.” you may even be in situations you never believed would happen, but did anyway in the best and healthiest possible way.

knowing that you are in the midst of leveling up is like how a historian knows when history is unfolding in real time. you just feel it – perhaps so viscerally that you cannot stop smiling when you sit down and think about what is happening in your life right now. fucks given and authenticity over timethis is how i have been feeling. i stumbled onto a new set of friends who are on that next stage in life: kind, smart, ambitious, profoundly successful already, and masterminds of career positioning people. some of these people are definitely lifelong friends i can grow with. i also joined a new group of friends from my climbing / boxing gym who will be perfect for hanging locally in Oakland. i have been intentional about health and fitness – working out 5x a week and eating just enough. i also am working on my prerequisite course for a UX bootcamp which will start mid-August. dating is going well (but i won’t get into specifics here). my relationship with my immediate family is evolving as time progresses. i’ve healed from a few heartbreaking events and am now more resilient and sharper because of it. life is good.

in light of all the good that keeps coming, i decided to make the final sacrifice of deleting Instagram from my phone and remaining offline for a long time (possibly indefinitely). it is a wild and challenging experience for me being that it serves as a prime creative outlet, however i believe that it is precisely what needs to happen so i go deeper into my more useful and fulfilling ventures. after all, if you want massive change, you have to leave behind those habits that no longer serve you. a friend reminded me to keep a regular input of news and culture, so i do not become siloed in my own personal development. sound advice.

where do we go from here?

without instagram, i will focus on documenting my journey on this platform, this blog. i will be dipping back into making video content and posting it on youtube. although, these will be my top four priorities in the coming months:

  1. focusing on what work i put in every day rather than what i once was / endured. that doesn’t mean jack shit anymore.
  2. growing an obsession with ux design. i need to be in love with it, foster it, and do what people are not willing to do.
  3. give back to those at home. i can do better in putting in effort to my home loved ones so they know i care.
  4. unlocking subconscious patterns that no longer serve me. renovating my habits to be those of one that succeeds at xyz things.

it’s going to be intense.

thank you for joining me on this journey.

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blog, on being

from funk to focus (to be continued)

you know you’re in a funk when multiple people ask you if you are okay. that was my experience this week. i’m physically okay, but mentally am “in a funk”. i’ve concluded that it is due to the uncertainty i have of my next steps in my career.

in my semi-annual review, i described my journey this year: from startup to jobless to working in a cafe to moving and landing a new job in a corporate office. i’m very much ready for a new challenge and am in the process of defining what that is.

these funks, or as i like to call them “refractory periods”, are filled with ample time alone to think deeply and synthesize a plan of action. though with melancholy undertones, my refractory periods also consist of acknowledging my fortunes and reliving jubilant memories (often rewatching my old vlogs). i view funks as necessary for taking inventory, strategizing, and preparing for what’s to come – a forced stop to slow down in a fast and ever-changing life.

old caroline would pressure herself to find answers ASAP. new caroline takes things as they come, allows ideas to simmer, and with guiding questions, conjure a conclusion. as a type-A person, letting go of that control of creating definition was a reoccurring but imperative lesson.

i brought a DSLR on my morning commute today in efforts be analog and allow my subconscious to take care of the chaos in my head.

i don’t have answers yet (and will report back when i do), but part of the journey is Mercy (very difficult as a perfectionist).

for all you perfectionists out there, i dare you to learn it with me.

until next time,
c

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blog, personal development

semi-annual review: 2019 so far

i have poked and prodded, and now they are all out. the repetitive, unnecessary thought patterns are flushed from my system (for the most part), and i am mentally and emotionally cleansed. the people who are meant to be in my life are here, along for the ride. now it is time to embark on a new journey.

it is june now. half of 2019 is nearly complete. i am both excitedly and anxiously forecasting what is going to happen from now until 2020. life is moving incredibly fast. i’ve become stable enough to not only catch up but also think more proactively about what’s to come. the key lessons that i’ve learned this year so far are as follows:

  • you control how people view you and treat you.
  • if you want something, speak up. if you don’t want something, also speak up.
  • high risk, high reward.
  • most times, there will be another chance. don’t think, decide, or act out of scarcity.
  • noise is everywhere. noisy environments, noisy content, noisy people. constantly reflect, filter, and nurture to get to the good stuff.
  • scheduling regular time to yourself is non-negotiable for a healthy mind.
  • convince your mind of who you are and your capabilities by doing. do consistently.
  • the universe doesn’t say “no”. it says “yes, but wait. i have something better”.

one year ago, i was only entertaining the idea of leaving my startup job and moving to the Bay. one year later, i’m here with a new job, new lifestyle, new social circles, new interests / ideas / habits / dreams, etc.

2019 habits

key habits of 2019

i have big dreams, and i always have. from june to december, i am focusing my time on my next career move. i plan on moving into design, particularly towards a product or interaction design role in a tech company. my headspace is scattered as i am gathering the details of what spaces i want to occupy, what problems i want to solve, what education i need to gain, and who i should bounce ideas with. i am also dedicating time to learning French to give myself geographical flexibility (potentially move to the country of my dreams). this is a multi-year plan. the age stamp i decided on is 27, but it will be achieved sooner rather than later. i am also trying my best to smell the roses and stay grounded in this affluent, cosmopolitan reality of San Francisco.

at the beginning of this year, i created a “vision of myself at the end of 2019”.

2019 vision.jpg

i can confidently say that i have nailed a couple of these items, however there is still a lot of work to do (understatement). i’ve become better at taking matters one step at a time. old caroline would overwhelm herself and drown in an endless to-do list. new caroline is more efficient and can separate herself when her sanity is at stake.

points of focus this month: deep dive into creating a roadmap to a career in design, read more regularly, and plan for my upcoming trip to Paris.

let’s make the next six months as eventful as the last. let’s make it exponential.

cheers to growth.

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blog, on being

Be an active citizen of the world

Prior to the 2016 election, I would listen to New York Times’ podcast “The Daily” every day on my morning commute. I followed the election and found myself becoming more angry as the days past and more depressed about the endless perils of the world. When our President was announced, I was simultanously devastated and defeated. From then on, I swore off all news. No more listening to news. No more reading news. No more watching the news.

When current events were discussed, I listened but refrain from becoming emotionally attached. I reasoned that my contribution to the world was my daily effort to remain a force of good in my immediate environment. However, this did not stop the looming air of guilt I felt from shutting out the world.

Tonight, I am reading Bill and Melinda Gates’ 2018 Annual Review. It’s enlightening and hopeful while also emphasizing preventative actions that would better our world. There’s no doubt that it takes courage to brave the tragedies of the world. I commend those who stay alert and face such realities despite the effects it has on one’s mind and body. I’m ashamed of my choice to be a passive bystander and my lack of worldly knowledge. I will continue to read and educate myself of our world’s problems. I will no longer be a passive member but an active citizen of our world. After all, it’s how you remain empathetic. After all, empathy is what makes us human.

An additional thought-provoking artifact: “News” by Jack Johnson

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blog, on being

Ebbs and flows

There is a natural ebb and flow of life. One week you’re on it – crossing out everything on your to-do list, excelling at work, hitting the gym, eating more green foods…and then the next week, you’re the opposite. Accepting this natural twist of events is the first step to limiting the turbulence. Allowing yourself to live between the two states is giving  yourself permission to live the natural cycles of life.

Once you’ve accepted this concept, then you can start laying a healthier foundation, stronger groundwork, to control what you can in midst of the chaos.

I was on a hiatus from this website. Since I last posted, I’ve assumed new roles at work, stronger relationships, and memories that’ll last a lifetime.

Now I’m back stronger and more me than ever before. Let’s get back into it.

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