if you tell enough people about your dreams,
if you think of them often enough,
if you work at them hard enough,
if you believe in its probability deeply enough,
then the world will conspire to work in your favor.
i am seeing this time and time again, and it is wild.
go 90%, and the world will give you the 10% luck.
you know you’re in a funk when multiple people ask you if you are okay. that was my experience this week. i’m physically okay, but mentally am “in a funk”. i’ve concluded that it is due to the uncertainty i have of my next steps in my career.
in my semi-annual review, i described my journey this year: from startup to jobless to working in a cafe to moving and landing a new job in a corporate office. i’m very much ready for a new challenge and am in the process of defining what that is.
these funks, or as i like to call them “refractory periods”, are filled with ample time alone to think deeply and synthesize a plan of action. though with melancholy undertones, my refractory periods also consist of acknowledging my fortunes and reliving jubilant memories (often rewatching my old vlogs). i view funks as necessary for taking inventory, strategizing, and preparing for what’s to come – a forced stop to slow down in a fast and ever-changing life.
old caroline would pressure herself to find answers ASAP. new caroline takes things as they come, allows ideas to simmer, and with guiding questions, conjure a conclusion. as a type-A person, letting go of that control of creating definition was a reoccurring but imperative lesson.
i brought a DSLR on my morning commute today in efforts be analog and allow my subconscious to take care of the chaos in my head.
i don’t have answers yet (and will report back when i do), but part of the journey is Mercy (very difficult as a perfectionist).
for all you perfectionists out there, i dare you to learn it with me.
until next time,
Prior to the 2016 election, I would listen to New York Times’ podcast “The Daily” every day on my morning commute. I followed the election and found myself becoming more angry as the days past and more depressed about the endless perils of the world. When our President was announced, I was simultanously devastated and defeated. From then on, I swore off all news. No more listening to news. No more reading news. No more watching the news.
When current events were discussed, I listened but refrain from becoming emotionally attached. I reasoned that my contribution to the world was my daily effort to remain a force of good in my immediate environment. However, this did not stop the looming air of guilt I felt from shutting out the world.
Tonight, I am reading Bill and Melinda Gates’ 2018 Annual Review. It’s enlightening and hopeful while also emphasizing preventative actions that would better our world. There’s no doubt that it takes courage to brave the tragedies of the world. I commend those who stay alert and face such realities despite the effects it has on one’s mind and body. I’m ashamed of my choice to be a passive bystander and my lack of worldly knowledge. I will continue to read and educate myself of our world’s problems. I will no longer be a passive member but an active citizen of our world. After all, it’s how you remain empathetic. After all, empathy is what makes us human.
An additional thought-provoking artifact: “News” by Jack Johnson
“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours. It is an amazing journey, and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”
– Bob Moawad
When you choose to uphold your independence, you begin to live a different life. You begin to feel more powerful as you make decisions on your behalf for your own welfare. You enjoy your own presence, look forward to alone time, and possibly prefer it most nights. You do whatever you want without supervision and craft your own life.
Independence includes externally from parents, partners, and toxic relationships. It also means internally from your inner demons.
Once you own your worth, you become free to live to the fullest at the highest frequency.
Only you can fully understand you.
There is simultaneous melancholy and joy in this statement.
Melancholy because you will never be entirely understood. No one will know all parts of you. Even if you try to expose someone to the various facets of your life, only you will fully experience the life you live. On that vein, expecting someone else to fully understand you is ludicrous.
But there is also great joy in knowing that you are your own. Joy in the sense that you have complete independence. You are the owner, the driver, and the purveyor of your own happiness. Hold this with a sense of pride.
Art is not meant to be filtered, unless you’re editing.
However, many people don’t get that far.
Their inner critic hinders their creativity so they don’t create at all.
When I create, I think of a quote by Ernest Hemingway.
Write drunk. Edit sober.
Tapping into your creativity is you allowing yourself to be a child again, allow yourself to play and throw colors on the canvas. Children often don’t have a filter. They are simply free to be.
Allow yourself to be that child. Worry about filtering when it’s time to clean and polish.
To live at the mercy of notifications.
Unplug and be free.